I always thought that each partner being able to do their own thing was a sign of a healthy relationship, whether there’s a partner on the spectrum or not.
Maybe she’s exactly right about this, and my response stems solely from my aspieness, but I don’t see how or why PDAs are necessary. Maybe if you’re extremely insecure. Either way, if I’m feeling affectionate, public or not, I’ll show it. But as soon as it becomes compulsory, I lose all desire to.
A lot of (going by what I’ve read on these forums, I’d even venture to say most) people on the spectrum who’ve had romantic relationships have had some spectacularly bad ones. Relationships where the other partner took advantage of their lack of social savvy to get away with all kinds of awful crap. Or relationships where they drove away a partner they truly cared about by not meeting their needs.
A tendency I’ve seen in myself, and that I think I’ve seen in others here (though I won’t claim that with any degree of certainty, I suck at reading people), is a general unwillingness to let people get too close. Loving someone gives them a lot of power over you, when people have misused that power in the past it becomes very difficult to trust others with it in the future.
Okay, fair enough. But isn’t this a possibility with anyone?
Yeah, I’ll give her this one. It’s true for me at least.
First, yes. Communication being a challenge is kind of at the center of Asperger’s.
But is it really preferable to have someone who only feigns interest? I mean, it’s just not possible to find fascinating every single thing that comes out of your partner’s mouth. I know I prefer a partner who doesn’t just humor me. And I prefer one with enough self-assurance that she doesn’t need me to humor her.
Now this is just bitching. Her desire to leave is not more important than his desire to stay. She tried to control his behavior, he did not try to control hers (make her stay). He came up with the adult solution to the problem, a compromise that allowed each to do what they wanted, and somehow he’s in the wrong here.
This is something I have a real problem with in my life. People accusing me of being controlling when all I’m trying to control is myself.
GF has the TV too loud so, rather than make her turn it down, I go into another room. Then get accused of being controlling. I don’t want what the rest of the house is eating for dinner (and it’s not as if these are sit-down meals where everyone eats together), so I pick up something for myself. Get accused of being controlling.
Before thinking someone is out of line for this sort of thing, a person really needs to ask him or herself which party is really trying to control the other.
Not knowing what to say is not at all the same as not being there for someone. If he says nothing at all, it is most likely because he is afraid of saying something wrong, and making things worse. With an aspie partner, you really need to look at their actions not just their words.
All groups have their share of assholes. If the guy is not willing to work on this, is not willing to at least try to get somewhere private where he can melt down and recover without it affecting others, then leave his ass. Just like you should with any guy who shows this behavior.
If his earning potential is that big of a deal, then you’re the one with a problem.
Wow. Real, honest-to-god empathy. I’m not gonna say anything else here, I don’t want her changing her mind about this one.
So tell him. There are so many ways an aspie compromises in order to fit into a relationship, into society as a whole. I don’t think it is unreasonable to ask of their partners this one thing; to say what you mean, and what you want, as directly as you can.
12. Your family and friends may think you’re being a doormat and a fool – Example: If he does #12 and you don’t bite his head off and have it for dinner, your family will think you are a pushover.
13. People will tell you he’s just being a man – Example: Some will say you have a good man, and you are just being too sensitive, and you should just look past the little things he does because it could be worse.
These two together may as well just be combined into one that just says you can’t please everybody. Which I didn’t realize was a problem exclusive to the partners of aspies.
14. You must have a good social support network so you can go out and have fun once in a while – Example: Women who end up with AS men, usually become co-dependent on them (even if they weren’t before) because they crave their attention so desperately. Without a good support system of family and friends to take you away from the void you will feel in your relationship, you may also be at risk for depression.
15. Your AS male will not care about the things you do without him and there will be things he does not share with you – Example: He will encourage you to hang out, or do things with your friends, and you will think he does not love you, because if he did, he wouldn’t be encouraging you to do your own thing without him.
If you don’t already have other people to spend some of your time with, then you have problems that go beyond just dating an aspie. If you really need to spend every waking moment in this person’s presence, then maybe you need to look at your own issues rather than blaming him for not being able to meet that need.
I swear I really did mean 5 minutes, at least I did when I said it. But then I saw a link to an article about the new 500 Abarth, which linked to an article about the Fiat/Chrysler takeover, which linked to one about Alfa’s potential return to the States. So I started thinking about my favorite Alfas, and looking up which ones were now eligible to import under that 25 year rule. And then I thought to myself, since we’re in fantasy land right now anyway, why limit myself to Alfas? What other older Italians were worth my attention? Ferrari and Lambo are too obvious, not to mention too expensive to take out on real roads. Lancia built some pretty cool stuff, a Fulvia would be pretty sweet and I do have special soft spot for cars that were used for rallying, and for lightweights. They tend to be the most fun when driven on public roads. And, by this point, it’s tomorrow and I’ve completely missed Thanksgiving with your aunt.
Been living apart from my GF for financial reasons after years of living together. Really, all that has changed is that we sleep seperately now. As much as I dislike waking up alone, falling asleep by myself is a great luxury. Don’t tell her I said that.
If you are going into the relationship with the goal of changing your partner, then you are the one with problems.
A ring and a piece of paper is not a commitment. Thankfully, the GF feels the same as I do about that. But we’ve each gotten a bunch of crap from our respective families about not being married. This, despite the fact that we know people who’ve met, got married, got divorced in less than the time we’ve been together.
And again, one of those problems that every couple has.
No. It’ll stand a better chance if you both reach. You can’t meet half way if only one partner is willing to make changes. She leaves out the most important piece of advice one can give to someone in a relationship with an aspie; let go of the idea that your way is the only way just because it’s what everyone else does.