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Dear Mom and Dad,
Never once in my life have I ever thought that my mom or my dad was the bad guy. You guys have always been my mom and dad, not the enemy.
So, I’m imagining the days that I came home from school. Throughout the day, the world reinforced these ideas that “I am not capable.” All day I had to stifle these emotions and be in a loud sensory filled environment. My breaks were not breaks. I didn’t get to curl up for a few minutes in my safe space. Instead I had to walk among 100 other kids who were all yelling over each other and pushing each other about.
So I come home exhausted and overwhelmed to a mom or a dad that I know believes I am capable. To a parent who will never leave no matter what I do, unlike my so called friends at school. I know that I can let all my anger and frustration out on my parents and everything is going to be okay when I’m done. In the strangest way, I yell and scream and call my parents names out of love. I kick and punch at my parents in the way that I wish I could kick and scream at my teachers and my principal and the bullies at school. I take my anger and frustration and fears out on my parents.
Now, I don’t know in the moment that’s what I’m doing. I feel this strong urge to get my emotions out anyway that I can. It feels good to scream and kick and punch. Afterwards, when you come and ask me what you did wrong- I’ll say “I don’t know.” Because you did nothing wrong. The reason that I blame you is because you do everything right. I can’t blame anyone else, not to their face. If I do, I don’t trust that they will still be there when I’m done screaming and kicking and punching.
Now, I know in these moment you are going to forget that I told you I do this out of love and it won’t make any sense. I know it’s still wrong to do this. I feel guilty afterwards every time, but I also don’t know how to cope. But I will learn. You will teach me how. Looking back, I understand all of this. In the moment, I don’t understand any of what I’m doing. Hopefully you will.
With Love, Your Child